I am up to my neck!

My oh my, I have not been having sleep since last Tuesday. I have been working late because my workload these days is just too much. Two auditors in the office (external and internal auditors) who scheduled audit at the same time thus I am left with little time to complete my other priorities.

There was also a mistake in the April expat payroll which I need to resolve and I need to implement the new performance management system. In addition, there's the succession planning data of the top and senior managers which should be correctly inputted in the system.

When will this workload end? Not soon. I am having headaches and muscle pains, I guess due to stress.

My loving youngest daughter called me at 5pm at the office to tell me that she's rushing to the post office to mail a card. She called me because the post office is just near my office. I put down what I was doing and I asked what it's about. She said it's a Mother's Day card which she will send to Nickelodeon Mother's Day contest. She said she noticed that I am have been so stressed the past days so when she saw the advertisement that the price was a "Spa Day for Mom", she came up with a card and she was about to mail it so she meets the deadline. She says she will pray that she wins so she can give me a Spa Day.

I then realized that my stress is getting obvious even at home that my daughter had noticed it. I felt guilty. I told her, "Thanks my dear. You know what? even if you would win, don't worry. I know you care about me so I will take care of myself too. I will go home soon and let's have dinner together."

When i arrived home, I hugged her tightly and then we had dinner.

Over-eating and under-eating

I was at home with my 12 year-old daughter and my husband the whole of yesterday. After doing all chores around the house, at 7pm I decided to go out to buy a new remote control for our TV at the master's bedroom. Both my hubby and my daughter went out with me.

Even before reaching the mall, my daughter started to convince me to have a very good dinner. She said she would like to have baby back ribs, fries, potato salad, baked mussels and chicken bbq. I did not mind her wish list knowing that at the restaurant she would realize later that she would not be able to eat all of them. I also thought that I could just order what I think we can eat and I am sure she would not even have the chance to complain. I am the "mom" and my decision would always prevail.

As we reached the mall, she was so delighted to see her favorite restaurant Billy Bombers and started to insist that we have dinner first before we even get the remote control. However, I insisted back by saying "we'll get the remote control quickly because the store would close soon."

We got the remote control and proceeded to the restaurant. When we reached, we were requested to wait for a while to be seated. The receptionist gave us the menu list to choose our order while we waited, and as I expected, my daughter pointed to all the food which she mentioned to me earlier. With a sigh, I told her that I would also like creamy spinach and if my choice would be added to hers, our choice would just be too much for only three of us. But then my daughter started to convince me why she should be allowed to order her choices:

"Mom, at our Home Economics Class yesterday, my teacher asked us to list down all the food that we usually eat for a day. I submitted a long list and then my teacher commented that I have a tendency to over-eat. But afterwards she also asked us to list down all the activities we usually do for a day and when she saw my longer list, my teacher said that I am actually under-eating. And my teacher told me that I am at the age when my metabolism is fast so I need to eat more to have more energy."

So I asked her, "what did you have on your "activities list?" Then she answered,"Wake up, bathe, walk 10-12 minutes to bus stop, oftentimes run to catch the bus, walk 5-7 minutes to the school, attend classes, walk up and down stairs in school, study, do outdoor school activities, walk back 5-7 mins to the bus stop, take the bus, walk back 10 mins to home again, do homework, fix my things..." My daughter stopped her enumeration when the waitress called us to be seated.

The waitress asked then what we want and I found myself ordering exactly all that my daughter wished for. And she even added, "Cheese Fondue" with tacos, onion rings and some potato skins" but I really didn't mind. With my daughter's small frame and the wonders that she could do at home and at school, why would I even hold back?

Well, while eating, my hubby and I watched our daughter delightfully as she indulged on her baby back ribs, chicken bbq, potato skins, tacos, salad, onion rings, mussels,etc... She burped and said, "excuse me" afterwards.

And going back home, my jokingly asked, "I thought that you would not order what she wants?" I just smiled and kept silent.

I will survive! :-D

As I entered our living room coming back from working late, I noticed my youngest daughter fast asleep on the couch. She left her laptop still working, placed on top of our center table. It was obvious she fell asleep on the couch while completing her school assignments.

I thought I should just turn it off, wake her up and ask her to move into her bedroom so she could sleep properly when I noticed the screen saver with big, bold letters running repeatedly: I WILL SURVIVE! :-D I WILL SURVIVE! :-D I WILL SURVIVE! :-D

I was surprised! My daughter is only 12 years old and I cannot see any reason why she would use that phrase as her laptop's screensaver as if she wants to always be reminded of it. Besides, I also do not think that she meant the song (popularized by Gloria Gaynor) because she was not even born yet when that song hit the airwaves. And experience tell me that such song is mostly sung (jokingly and loudly) by people in pubs when already drunk, wanting to forget their past or present troubles in life.

I looked at my sleeping daughter at the couch and I realized that she was indeed too tired from school. My intuition tell me that my youngest daughter used that statement I WILL SURVIVE! :-D as a screensaver to encourage herself to go on amidst challenges.

My daughter transfered to Singapore only in January to start her secondary schooling after studying in the Philippines for the past 4 years. While in the Philippines, she had been a very diligent student and consistently leading in her class. She chose to move back to Singapore again to make it easier for her to go to a local Singapore University afterwards. I told my daughter earlier that studying in Singapore could be very tough but she insisted that there could be no harm if she would just give it a try. I happily agreed to bring her back to Singapore not only because I could see her determination but also because I wanted her to be with me more and more.

It is a known fact that schooling in Singapore is indeed tough. Both teachers and parents expect too much from the students therefore students tend to be highly competitive. Schools would like to produce the best students so they can consistently rank highly in the Ministry of Education's listing. When my daughter started schooling here again, I had so much fear that my daughter would find her studies very difficult. However, to my surprise, my daughter seems to be adapting well. She has been showing self-confidence and is openly participating in school activities. She has been getting very high (if not the highest) grades in all her subjects. In addition she seems to be well-loved by her teachers.

But in my mind, her screensaver could be a signal of something deep and contradictory. I started to doubt. Is my daughter really coping well or is she stretching herself too much just to pass her subjects? What if she gets burned out? I became bothered by the thought.

As I turned off her computer and closed its cover, my daughter suddenly woke up (as if she knew that somebody was invading a part of her). She stood up, walked to get a glass of water, came back to the couch and sat down. It was obvious that her brain had been recharged and ready to function again.

I knew that if I would talk to her I need to do it before she turns on her laptop again, or else I would be able to talk to her only after she would finish her homeworks. So, I did not waste time, I carefully asked her the question, "My dear, why did you choose that phrase "I will survive" as your screen saver, any reason for that?"

Her answer hit me deep. "Mom, you have this litany of advise to my elder siblings which got stuck to my brain. I may be playing or watching TV but a part of me is always glued to all your conversations. I made the decision to transfer back here in Singapore to study so I will take responsibility of my decision. And no matter how difficult it would be, with my determination, I know I will survive."

I smiled, hugged her, and with a lump in my throat I whispered to her, "I know you will, I am sure you will."

Thinking back, I tried to recall the "litany of advise" that my youngest daughter meant. "You all need to be independent and self-motivated. You need to be sure of what you want in life and strive to achieve it. We as parents would not be here forever to support you. You should strive for your own future."

This was the same litany that I heard from my own parents. Somehow I realized, what I learned from my parents I consciously or unconsciously had been passing on to my children. I also realized then that my constant communication and advise to my children were somehow effective and well received. I am very proud of them, much as I hope my parents were proud of me.

Indulge once in a while

I am so happy my hubby arrived from overseas today. I was at work when he arrived so I went home immediately to check on him. The last time we were together was during the Easter holidays, just two weeks ago.

As usual, my hubby offered to go to the grocery to buy some foodstuff so he could cook us a good warm meal for dinner. He knows that even though I am a very good cook, nowadays due to my work and travel, I seldom cook for my kids. I just buy "ready made" meals or rely on food delivery services.

My hubby cooked a sinful dish but one which he knows I would be tempted to eat despite my self-imposed healthy regime. The dish is "Binagoongang Baboy" or fatty pork slices cooked slowly with fermented shrimp fries until they almost melt on their own fat. Anyway, I had a wonderful dinner with my hubby and two kids as I forgot what "diet" means.

Guilty as I was, I tried to rationalize why I let go of my diet and what I should do to overcome my guilt. I made reasons like: "my hubby cooked the dish so I need to show appreciation," "this is just once in a while," "I could exercise double the time tomorrow," "I will skip lunch tomorrow," or "I promise, I will never do it again."

After a while, I realized I am being silly for feeling so guilty. Who says it's a sin to eat what you've been missing especially if it was especially cooked for you by someone you love? No one. I won't go to jail for doing it and it will not bar me from going to heaven!

Realizing this, I immediately decided to bend my self-made rules. I will now allow myself to indulge once in a while when the temptation is too much especially when I feel I would die of just looking at my favorite dish as it is served to me.

The problem would be, how frequent "once-in-a-while" opportunities would present themselves to me?

Should I deliberately stay away from each opportunity though I would feel like dying because I would just be looking? Or should I grab the once-in-while opportunity but feel guilty afterwards? I don't know. It depends. I will just act according to my conscience when the situation arises.

Uh oh, what are you thinking? Of course I am still talking about food!

Yin Yang

At dinnertime today, I went out with a Chinese colleague and conveniently decided to go to Cookbook Asia restaurant near the Raffles MRT. My friend ordered "yin yang." It was a dish which is a combination of both roasted and steamed chicken, obviously one type is white and a little bit wet while the other is brown and a little bit dry. However, as parts of the same meal, both became a wholesome combination for the palate and a delight to look at.

My friend then explained to me that Yin Yang in Chinese means "a combination of continuous opposites which are bound together as parts of a mutual whole." So I told myself how smart indeed for the restaurant to call the dish, "yin yang."

When I went home after dinner, I remembered not the dish but the principle that was explained to me by my friend. It then made me think more of what in my life would be my "yin" and "yang." Wow! indeed a lot!

I started by thinking shallow: thinking of daytime when I need to wake up to work and nighttime when I need to rest; hot chocolate to perk me up and cool water to cool me down; bright light that gives me energy and dim light that makes me fall asleep; clean clothes that make me feel fresh and dirty clothes that makes me uncomfortable; a refrigerator full of food that gives me assurance and an empty one that makes me worried; and lastly, situations that make me happy and incidents that make me sad.

Hmmm... so later on, this "reflective me" got myself into making a quick inventory of what indeed makes me happy and lonely?

Yup, happiness and loneliness- I realized that my life is not complete without these two. It was not difficult to pull out some of the available answers...

Happiness is :

• being a proud mom of 5 great children who have different characteristics and yet are able to grow sharing love and care with each other
• having a good and loving husband who's always supportive of my career and interests
• having siblings who, no matter how far they are, constantly keep in touch to know how we are doing
• seeing my two married children independently working for their own living to sustain their family's wants and needs.
• having close friends who I can share my thoughts, laughter, and great times
• having ex-colleagues who still get in-touch no matter where they are
• having a boss who others misinterpret but is still the best boss I ever had
• and the list goes on and on...

Loneliness is...

• being away from my family from time to time
• having nobody to talk to when everybody's away and seems unreachable
• longing for my parents who passed away so early in my life without seeing my full transformation from a struggling young student to an achieved mother and wife
• realizing that sometimes I also make mistakes in my choices and that I need to put in much effort and sacrifice to correct them
• being mis-interpreted by a few people when they can't understand the message I want to deliver
• seeing others in grief, in pain or having problems and I could not do much to help
• and the list goes on...

So I come to realize that (as long as I would live), my life would be a continuous process of the "yins" and the "yangs." Some situations were just unavoidable but most of the others were results of my choices: some, right and some, wrong. But no matter how I look at it, I would only know that I made the right and wrong choice only when I would already feel the good or bad consequence(s) of my choices. Well, I think that's the mystery which nobody could solve. Nobody could predict the future so people just need to rely on experience, feelings and intuition when making choices.

But what about this contradicting concept which my friend also said, "what is bound to happen will indeed happen." as if we have no control of our fate?

So then I realized why I had been so silly the past couple of hours trying to dig deeper in my life to know whether I am in the "yin" or in the "yang." It seems it's just a mystery which I cannot solve and nobody else would be able to solve for me, anyway. It seems I may have the ability to make choices but there would also be many things beyond control that could bring about much difference between my expectation and what could actually turn out.

Hmmm. what am I talking about? It started from chicken rice, then to "yin yang" then to my life, choices, mystery, expectation and result...

Sorry, I now getting confused. I leaving it up to you now to think about it all.

Horriblelize or Horrible Eyes?

At my age, I am still a person who never gets tired of learning new things. I believe in continuous learning, whether it's about improving my competencies at work, or about leadership, communication and building relationships with the people around me. Indeed, I believe in continuous self-improvement.

So I decided to attend a workshop today on enriching relationships which is based on a best seller book "Leadership and Self Deception."

The moment I heard the speaker talk about self-awareness and how we regard others (whether as object or as persons), I realized the concepts are not entirely new. They're just the same old practical concepts on building relationships but are just being presented in a new framework. And besides, the application will still be the same, it would always be "to understand ourselves and others and on making the choice of getting out of the box and being responsive to people around us."

However, I stayed on because I know that at the end of the day, I would still learn something out of my paid attendance, not only from the presentation but from my interaction with the speaker and fellow attendees. And true enough, I did learn a few things and one of them only accidentally.

When the speaker got into the topic of "how we treat people as objects" he mentioned that by doing so, we "horriblelize" them. I did not exactly get what he meant but for the sake of following what he said, I wrote down in my notebook, "horrible eyes" and I thought I got it right.

However, when the speaker mentioned that he just invented the word and that it is not in the dictionary, I doubted what I wrote because I knew that both "horrible" and "eyes" do exist even in the most common dictionary. And so I asked the speaker, "excuse me, can you spell that for me please?" The he spelled "h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e-l-i-z-e" which he explained as "a way of treating a person horribly."

But even after getting what the speaker actually meant, I decided not to erase the words "horrible eyes" which I initially wrote in my notebook for one reason: because these two words which I mistakenly wrote actually made my mind drift away from the discussion for a while and got me into thinking what they may mean to me.

In my mind, having "horrible eyes" may mean so many things: It may mean not being able to see the good things in a person but rather seeing all his/her flaws and weaknesses instead or not being appreciative of whatever good deeds others try to do for us. It may also mean comparing people with each other and identifying always who's good or bad and likewise being judgmental and not giving others a chance to show the goodness in them. Lastly, it could be that with "horrible eyes" we are not seeing the magnificent nature around us and not realizing that we are all blessed to be in this world with our caring loved ones and friends to share our lives with.

At the end of the day, after the workshop, aside from a few more tips on building better relationships, I walked away with two questions in my mind: In my daily life, do I treat people around me horribly or do I look at them with horrible eyes? My answer is certain: No, I don't and I will make sure that I will not be guilty of any of these two. No, never.

Ellen Degeneres

I turned on the TV today to check what's on, and I saw Ellen Degeneres. There she was with her dancing and graceful grooves as she entered the stage, even before she started her show. Her dancing with the audience for about two to three minutes per show on top of her hilarious wit gained her a lot of following among women (and men) who are mostly mature and middle age.

Everytime I see Ellen, I always see a woman who may not be perfect but is unique and unmindful of what some people say about her. I see her as a mature, contented person who loves her mother so much and brags about it. She doesn't bother or hurt other people. She seems to be well intent in her life (as in her shows) and she just wants to live her life doing what he likes and living and standing on her own beliefs and preferences.

Ellen is witty and speaks with (hilarious) wisdom. It shows that she's ageing gracefully and joyfully.

However, oftentimes just by looking at Ellen, it also gets me into thinking about her detractors, those who could not understand her lifestyle and relationship preference at all. They attack her and say she's not being a good example for today's generation.

But for the open-minded me, Ellen's persona does not bother me at all. She's being true to herself, making her own choices, living according to her preferences without bothering or hurting other people.

There are a lot of other people who bring misery or cause hurt to others and these are the people who we should despise I think. No, not Ellen.

What about you? What do you think?

Keeping fit through dancing

OMG, I woke up so early that I have lots of time to spare for thinking.I tried to go back to sleep but my brain is as awake as the pain I feel at my lower back. I would feel this back pain occasionally when I walked around for so long or when I also sat down for so long. But I think anybody of my age would also feel the same way because I think that at 50, our body would start telling us that we had used it and relied on it for so long. But don't get me wrong, I am not a lazy woman and I love my body that I take care of it as much as I could. I exercise, in fact I have a few gym equipments at home. I have a small stationary bike, a cross trainer, a big hoola hoop, some CDs on aerobics exercising, brisk walking, etc. Most of all, I like my 4-CD set of latin music which I use when I feel like exercising through dancing.

And I think that being intent on keeping fit and healthy is working quite well for me. I am able to maintain my ideal weight for so long, it keeps me energetic and it keeps me ahead of anybody (even any youngster) who hits the dance floor when needed.

When was the last time I went out to dance? It was on the 28th of March when my high school friend and her 22 year old son and her sister with her husband, travelled from overseas to visit me. My friend is also of same age as me (50) and her sister is 44. Me and my friend were members of the HS dance troop way back in the mid 70's so we were used to dancing the salsa, cha-cha and in those years we had slumber parties where we enjoyed dancing under disco lights more than anything else.

Well, going back to my story: to complete our "reminiscing session" my friend and I decided to have a night out. We went to Clarke Quay and after walking around to choose which club to go, I finally convinced them to enter the Pump Room because I know that the band in there plays "retro" music. Who would not enjoy dancing with Electric Dreams, It's my life, Fame, Buttercup, Wake me up before you go go?

After dancing with the band's first set, my friend commented that I have an unbelievable energy. She even talked to my hubby (who was overseas that week) over the phone to jokingly complain that they could not keep up with my energy. And my husband said that. "Yeah, she has a large Energizer battery with her."

Anyway, I shared to my friend that my energy and endurance is not built overnight. It is a result of diligent and committed (little by little) regular exercising which I started only 5 years ago.

5 years ago, I felt my energy was waning out and I am gaining some weight. I looked at myself at the mirror and saw myself having a bit of bulge here and there, and worst of all, my colleagues (who I had been working with from 5 years before) started commenting on my noticeable double chin and flabby arms.

So I started to hit the gym and became very intent to put some interest on keeping fit and healthy. But later on, because I couldn't go to the gym regularly, I considered doing other ways to ensure I could get a lot of exercise. I thought of doing what I enjoy most: walking, dancing, and hoola hooping.

I discovered that the secret of keeping fit is not just to go to the gym, but easily, just make sure that I eat in moderate amounts and try to move my body as much as I could to burn the calories I take in by eating. It is a simple formula of equalizing the take in of food and burning up of energy and fats from food I take. It is because I know that whatever fat or calories not burned up would be stored in my body parts and that's when I would gain weight.

I enjoy dancing... when dancing I sweat but not feel tired because I enjoy the fast music and the continuous rhythmic beats of drums and other instruments. And that's why I enjoy Latin music a lot.

And when I need to dance, I don't even need to go out and do it in pubs. I can do it in the privacy of my home, inside my bedroom, while cleaning, cooking, whatever... just making sure that I burn the fat, burn the fat, burn the fat, burn the fat.....

Turned 50 in 2010

Every time each new year comes, I would not wait long... my birthday would come a couple of weeks after. It's because my birthday's in January.

When I turned 50 in January (2010), I received lots of calls and emails from my loved ones and friends. They remembered my birthday and I was happy realizing that at 50, my family and my circle of close friends got bigger. In addition, I am more contented, more confident, more achieved, more experienced, happier, smarter, stronger, etc... of course that is if I compare what I am now with what I was 20-25 years ago.

Well, looking back at the ups and downs I went through in my life, I think I did well. I got married young but managed to continue my studies while having kids and raising them one after another. And I did not just finish one university degree but two. Life had not been very smooth for me but I believe that my determination, hard work and resilience made me sail through life's storms with success.

I would like to give credit to my parents who raised me and my siblings well. I learned a lot from them and even though they're now gone, I shall say that what I am now, how I take care of my family and myself, how I am as a wife, as a friend, as an employee and as an employer are all because of how I was raised by my parents.

I am living a colorful and contented life right now. Despite challenges (which are just part and parcel of anybody's life), I shall say my life is full of love and joy. I am surrounded by loving and caring family members and close friends and I hope and pray that my life stays this way for as long as I live.

However, I also know that hoping and praying would not be enough. I need to ensure that I try my best to stay this way. It will not be easy I know, but just as I was able to course through my life from 1-49, I know that I could also be able to continue living my life to the fullest from 50 onwards...

I started this blog so I can track how I would be doing in this endeavor. I am sure that along the way, there would be lots of things to do, to learn, to discover. And I thought that I should share these with other women of my age who also want to live gracefully, healthily, happily, contentedly, and meaningfully from today onwards.